Seek Belonging
Today's world is ripe with tips & tricks, how-to's, must-haves, and 100's of don't-evers. We're all fed the most random algorithms that subtly curate a narrative about who we are and what we stand for. Somewhere along the way, we began conditioning ourselves to go outside to discover our inner truth. And by 'outside,' I don't mean a wistful tree-covered path that leads to an epically lit ocean sunset. I'm talking about the 6" x 3" window to the world we carry in our pockets.
I get the allure. I, too, partake in those videos of deliriously floppy pandas, and tear up as elephants run to reunite with their handler. Who doesn't appreciate the puppy, kitty, and baby videos that ignite the feels and remind us that we're all universally connected. My guilty pleasure are those British game shows that ignite my crazy laugh, and then beg the internal question —Is this normal?
"Fitting in is about adapting to your circumstances, and belonging is about people accepting and valuing you for who you are."
— Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness
Before my stress-fueled deep dive, I didn't fully understand the allure, but I know now. Social media soundbites and quick-hit videos become the perfect boredom elixir. Dulling the head chatter that queries where do I belong in the world, and that bigger question of, how do I figure it out. Thoughts that used to encourage a walk, exercise, journaling or coffee with a friend replaced with mini hits of someone else's something.
As a lifelong reader and naturally curious soul, I can appreciate the desire to experience life through another's eyes, to inhale wisdom from 17th-century poets and philosophers alongside today's most inspirational thought leaders and artists. Such a gift. I even understand how others' views of the world are necessary to expand my own. But I also noticed something else as the coveted device, once my hand-held window, began to feel more like walls.
I started to notice how it made me feel. Along with the belly laughs and the easy-fix-everything sound bites came this fog. I could lose myself for hours in this disconnected malaise, enjoying photos of nature instead of reveling in the real thing, right outside my door. (spoiler alert: Saturday Says on nature coming soon). Anyways, I began feeling like a spectator in my own life. And while words escape the feeling, I’d say icky and uninspired come close. Energetically diminished and flat are close seconds.
After doing some research, I found that it's estimated that 30% of Americans consider themselves addicted to social media, and that's those who admit it, and that doesn't account for kids. I decided that a break might be in order.
Now every morning, instead of reaching for my phone, I venture out and enjoy the peacefulness of the tree-lined streets and breathe in that epically lit sunrise that once again reminds me of who I am.
Section 2: Today’s prompt
Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give ourselves is self-awareness. Looking within and asking if there are things that aren’t serving us? Is there something in your life on rinse & repeat that could benefit from mindful examination? Or something that requires a much-needed break? Maybe just setting the phone down for an hour, an afternoon, or an entire day, see how it makes you feel? If the spirit moves you, grab a journal, write it down, feel free to share or keep it close.
Regardless, congratulate yourself for looking within. As the quote infers, awareness is like the sun, and understanding yourself in all your extraordinary light (even the dimly lit corners) is one of the greatest gifts you can grant yourself. We’re all on this journey together and it is my humbly held belief that the more we can step into our own love and light the more we can light up the world"Dearest Gentle Reader,"*-- Yes, it's my ‘ode to Bridgerton’ issue. I secretly wish I had coined that opening line. Saturday Says... embodies the thought be gentle and kind to yourselves. And while the line's not mine, I will forever hear Julie Andrews' voice whispering the phrase as I scribe my weekly edition.
Like so many others (apparently 91 million and counting), I've been surfing the season 3 Bridgerton wave and have found myself surprisingly taken with it in many ways. The music is outstanding—the fashion on-point for the era. The friends-to-lovers storyline is swoon-worthy. The emergence of women's voices is brilliantly articulated and profoundly relevant (more to come on this theme later). But today's deep dive goes to the press tour of Nicola Coughlin and Luke Newton, the two actors that play Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton, coined Polin by adoring fans. Guessing Conelope didn't have the same ring.
First, hats off to the people who brilliantly planned that press tour. Well done. I felt like they were everywhere. As they wandered the globe, fans became obsessed with their relationship. Rumors swirled, some convinced that secret real-life love had already bloomed. Others believed they saw something the pair had yet to realize. Everyone wants Luke and Nicola in a romantic relationship that mirrors Pen & Colin's courtship, the modern-day version –insert Escalade for carriage–—an epic love story for the ages.
While the friends-to-lovers plot invariably ignites anticipatory drama, it made me wonder why this pair had everyone so swept up. I, too, was oddly taken watching them on tour. Did we have a front-row pew to the Cysteine Chapel of modern love? Or is the collective infatuation with their friendship due to a lack of something we're missing in our own lives?
We watch a man and a woman completely comfortable with each other, having fun, traveling the world, unconditionally supporting each other beautifully and authentically, with all ego and societal gender conformities stripped away and with pure, heartfelt concern for the other's welfare. It felt like the entire online universe was swept up in the magic we feel when witnessing authentic connection—the warmth of genuine friendship woven into a comforting hug for the masses.
My fascination came with a small ounce of envy. I spent my career in the technology sector, working my way up to the executive ranks during years when that didn't come easy to women. Overall, the journey has been an exhilarating ride. I've had the opportunity to do amazing things. It helped me find my voice as an executive, leader, coach, and, most importantly, as a woman.
While forever grateful, it was also a lonely ride. The male-dominated tech culture never went out of its way to make me feel welcome. Most traveled with other men they had risen through the ranks with, and while they tolerated me, they looked out for each other. A few along the way have been ardent supporters, but few had my back.
In Brene Brown's book, Braving the Wilderness, she articulates the idea of fitting in versus belonging. She states, "Fitting in is about adapting to your circumstances, and belonging is about people accepting and valuing you for who you are." When I read that, I realized how much of my career had been about fitting in, adapting to the rules written by men, for men, with a definition of success that had little, if any, input from or relevance to women.
In the early days, I was constantly striving to fit in, yet I never felt that sense of true acceptance or belonging. As I rose through the ranks, I saw the toll this had taken on other women. Many of my peers stepped out of the game and gave up because they had never felt welcome. They could never do enough to develop the camaraderie that others enjoyed, and it was all too feebly grounded to feel comfortable enough to bring all their natural gifts to the table. My path emerged when I realized I could build teams fueled by collaboration and cooperation. I made it my mission to create that safe space for everyone to let their true talents emerge and give them a path to thrive. Creating that sense of belonging to ourselves and to each other.
Perhaps, in today's world, 'fitting in' has been redefined via social portals of like-minded algorithmic feeds, a two-dimensional version designed to make us all feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. Pebbled conversations that let us selectively reveal ourselves in controlled ways yet lack heartfelt connection. Was our admiration for their relationship simply a yearning in ourselves to go beyond the carefully crafted perfection of our calculated thoughts and pampered photos to something more interactive and meaningful. Laughing at something is different than laughing with someone.
As we sit in a world divided on so many fronts, is there not a simplicity that Nicola and Luke have shared with us? A roadmap to a better, more equitable future? Has their immersive friendship reminded us how good a genuine connection can feel? Love, camaraderie, and a safe and accepting space to be our true selves.
While I don't doubt my heart would smile should they end up together, isn't love in all forms somewhat magical? Something to celebrate? Imagine a world graced with supportive, heartfelt interactions. Something warm and goofy, inviting, honest, frivolous, and fun. It's carefree, comfortable, and welcoming of all that we truly are. Maybe their beautiful friendship is a gentle reminder that our hearts, too, have that longing to belong.
Today's Prompt: Think about your life and where and how often you show up as your authentic self: fabulous, flawed, floundering, formidable, and fun? Who in your life offers you the safe space to be the entirety of who you are? And how does it feel to be in their presence? Write about what came up for you? Feel free to share with the SaturdaySays…tribe or keep it close. It’s yours to explore.